How to Long Distance Marriage

Fostering healthy communication and habits while you’re living separately from your spouse

Whether it’s for work, family obligations, or another reason entirely, there may come a time in your marriage when you and your spouse have to live separately. While a long distance marriage probably isn’t your ideal scenario, rest assured that there are ways you can make the transition more comfortable for you and your spouse. We’ve compiled the best tips to stay connected with your partner while you’re long distance, as well as info on how you can talk to your kids about this new dynamic.

[Edit]Things You Should Know

• To help a long distance marriage work, make time to talk to your partner once a day (or every other day).
• Catch each other up on the small details of your lives so you feel close and connected with each other.
• Put an end date on the long distance portion of your marriage so you both have something to look forward to.
• If you have children, explain the situation in age-appropriate language, and reassure them that the parent who is leaving still loves them a lot.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Making a Long Distance Marriage Work

1. Synchronize your schedules so you can talk to each other. With kids, work, and other responsibilities, it can be hard to find uninterrupted time in your day. Work with your partner to carve out 10 to 15 minutes every day where you two can talk on the phone or video chat with each other. That way, you’re prioritizing communication and making contact at least once a day.^[1]
   
   • If you have children, make sure your spouse gets to talk to them at least once a day, too. Usually, right before bedtime is a good time to chat and catch up.
   • Talking every day works for some couples, but it can be too much for others. If you only want to talk to your spouse every other day or every few days, tell them that directly and make a plan.
2. Use technology to connect with each other. Nowadays, there are tons of ways you and your spouse can talk to each other when you’re far apart. You might call each other on the phone, text each other, video chat with each other, or even send each other emails. Figure out which mode of communication works best for you and your partner.^[2]
   
   • You could also send each other photos and videos throughout the day, especially if one of you is taking care of your children. Sharing these small snippets of your day with your spouse can help you feel connected even when you’re far apart.
3. Switch up how you communicate with each other. When you’ve been doing long distance for a while, using the same method of communication can get old. While technology is great, try switching things up by writing each other letters or sending care packages. Analog forms of communication take a little longer, but they can make you both feel extra loved and special on tough days.^[3]
   
4. Share the boring details of your day with each other. When you live with someone, you get to know the “boring” details of their day to day life. When you’re long distance, you might miss out on some of those details. When you talk to your partner, tell them the silly, boring things that you don’t think are worth mentioning. This will bring you two closer together and make you feel more connected.^[4]
   
   • For instance, you might tell your spouse what you had for lunch today or the silly thing your coworker said during a meeting.
   • Or, you might share that your kid has a new favorite toy, or that you took the kids to the park but then it started raining.
5. Make time for a sexual connection. Even when you’re in a long distance relationship, you can still connect with your partner sexually. If sex is an important part of your relationship, make time to have phone sex or send dirty text messages. While it’s no substitution for the real thing, these small acts of intimacy will make the long distance relationship feel much more manageable.^[5]
   
   • Be sure to talk with your partner and make sure they’re comfortable with anything sexual before you try it. Some people aren’t a fan of phone sex or sexting, and that’s okay.
6. Talk about your feelings together. Emotional intimacy is just as important as physical intimacy. Whether you’re feeling happy, sad, upset, or anything in between, let your partner know. They don’t need to fix things for you, but you both need to provide a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on for each other.^[6]
   
   • Long distance marriages can be tough, and you both might have some rough days. Share these thoughts with your partner, even if you’re worried it might make them feel sad or guilty. They need to know how you’re feeling so you stay emotionally connected.
7. Bring up any problems right away. Communication is important in any relationship, but it’s even more important when you and your spouse don’t live together. If you’re having any problems with the relationship or the long distance dynamic, tell your partner right away. That way, you can nip issues in the bud instead of letting them fester into something bigger.^[7]
   
   • “Hey, could we talk? We promised that we’d call each other every day, but you were busy the last 2 nights I called you. I need you to prioritize our relationship, even when you’re busy.”
   • “Do you have a second to chat? I’m feeling a little bummed that we don’t have any set plans to visit each other soon. Could we talk this weekend about me coming to visit you?”
8. Trust your spouse without checking up on them. When your spouse lives apart from you, you might catch yourself feeling jealous or like you don’t trust them 100%. While it’s totally fine to check in on your spouse and see what they’re doing, avoid interrogating them or accusing them of anything. Overcome that jealousy by acknowledging your feelings, then letting them go.^[8]
   
   • If your partner has given you a valid reason to feel jealous, bring it up with them.^[9] Say something like, “When you posted a picture with your coworker, it made me a little bit jealous. Could you just reassure me that there’s nothing going on between you two?”
9. Schedule time to visit each other in person. Phone calls and texting are great, but in-person visits hold much more weight. No matter how long you two plan to be long distance, make it a point to visit each other as often as you can. While this can be tough to coordinate with children and work schedules, visiting each other is the best way to keep your relationship strong while staying long distance.^[10]
   
10. Set a timeline for the long distance portion of your marriage. Long distance relationships are tough work, especially when you two are already married. Be sure to set an end goal for the long distance segment of your relationship. That way, you both have something to look forward to, and this isn’t an indefinite amount of time.^[11]
    
11. Live your own life. Keep up with your friends and maintain your hobbies, even when you’re away from your spouse. While maintaining a long distance relationship is hard work, it shouldn’t take over your life. Practice self-care and make time for yourself, too.^[12]
    

[Edit]How does a long distance marriage affect children?

1. Long distance parenting can be tough for younger children to accept. While a long distance marriage is tough on you and your spouse, for your kids, it can be even harder. Young kids might not understand where their other parent is going or why they can’t see them every day. However, keeping in constant contact and explaining the situation to your kids in age-appropriate language will help them understand that this is a short-term situation.^[13]
   
   • For instance, you might explain a long distance marriage to a younger child like this: “Your mom is going to be away for work for a little bit, but we’ll still talk to her on the phone every day. And she’s going to visit us every month, so you’ll hardly even miss her! It might be a little bit tough in the beginning, but your mom and I want you to know that she still loves you very much.”

[Edit]Can a marriage survive long distance?

1. Yes, a marriage can survive long distance if you and your partner both want it to. Long distance marriages (and long distance relationships in general) are tough, but they aren’t impossible. As long as you and your partner both commit to making things work, then you can have a healthy, loving marriage no matter where in the world you are.^[14]
   
   • Surveys show that around 60% of long distance relationships are successful.^[15] In fact, many people find that taking a bit of time away from their partner helps them come back to the relationship feeling refreshed and revitalized.

[Edit]References

1. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2020/08/26/906236738/long-distance-relationships-are-tough-heres-advice-for-making-them-work
2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201806/10-tips-make-long-distance-relationship-work
3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201806/10-tips-make-long-distance-relationship-work
4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-make-long-distance-relationships-work
5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-make-long-distance-relationships-work
6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-make-long-distance-relationships-work
7. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2020/08/26/906236738/long-distance-relationships-are-tough-heres-advice-for-making-them-work
8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201806/10-tips-make-long-distance-relationship-work
9. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 7 August 2019
10. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-make-long-distance-relationships-work
11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201806/10-tips-make-long-distance-relationship-work
12. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2020/08/26/906236738/long-distance-relationships-are-tough-heres-advice-for-making-them-work
13. ↑ https://docs.iza.org/dp6965.pdf
14. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2020/08/26/906236738/long-distance-relationships-are-tough-heres-advice-for-making-them-work
15. ↑ https://nypost.com/2018/10/31/long-distance-relationships-are-more-successful-than-you-think/