How to Deal With an Insecure Person

Help insecure people feel more comfortable with themselves

Whether they're a friend, family member, coworker, or romantic partner, dealing with someone who's insecure can be exhausting. But if you treat them with kindness and respect, they'll become more trusting of you and might even rebuild their self-confidence. Read on for practical suggestions to make your relationship with an insecure person more relaxing and enjoyable.

[Edit]Things You Should Know

• Talk to the person to find out the core issue that's causing their insecurity and you'll both be able to handle it better.
• Establish clear boundaries about what's acceptable to talk about and what you're willing to do for the person if they need constant reassurance.
• Listen actively when they talk and give them plenty of time to express their thoughts and feelings so they understand that their words matter.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Identify the core issue.

1. Get to the root of the person's insecurity. Often, someone has something else going on in their life that's causing their insecurity. They might have just gone through a breakup, lost a job, or done poorly on a test. Ask them what's really bothering them and then both of you can figure out how to deal with it a lot better.^[1]
   
   • For example, if a friend snaps at you for being late to meet them, you might say, "I don't remember you ever getting upset about that before. Is everything okay? Is there something bothering you that you want to talk about?"
   • Look for a time when you can take the person aside and talk to them privately, even if it's only for a minute or two. If you call them out in front of other people, they'll be more likely to either shut down or lash out at you again.

[Edit]Talk to them about their insecurities.

1. Let them tell you about their struggle so you can support them. Whether they're anxious about work, school, or their body image, listening to them and validating their feelings is important. When you acknowledge what they're dealing with it shows them that they're not alone and that you support them.^[2]
   
   • Resist the urge to deny what they say or tell them that they don't have anything to worry about. Instead, tell them that their feelings are valid.
   • For example, you might say, "I hear that you feel fat and I get it—I've felt that way too. It's not uncommon for people to feel that way."
   • Remember that something that might seem trivial to you might be a big deal for them. Don't make light of whatever insecurities they have.

[Edit]Show them that you're listening.

1. Give an insecure person plenty of space to talk in a conversation. Insecure people often struggle to express their emotions and can come across as anxious or rude. Avoid cutting them off in conversation or talking over them. Instead, listen actively and make eye contact so they feel comfortable. But keep in mind that people who are insecure often have difficulty maintaining eye contact.^[3]
   
   • One way to make them feel heard is to repeat what they say. For example, if your coworker is complaining about your boss, you might say, "You don't like when our manager doesn't ask for your input. I get that."
   • Turn your body toward the person when they're speaking and give them your full attention. If you seem distracted or preoccupied they're likely to shut down.

[Edit]Mirror their body language.

1. Use mirroring to build a rapport with the person. When you mirror the person's body language or speech patterns, they'll feel more comfortable with you. An insecure person likely feels a bit awkward, but if they see that you're doing the same things they are, they'll feel like they belong.^[4]
   
   • For example, if your insecure friend crosses their legs, you might cross your legs as well. When they switch the leg on top, you do the same.
   • Be careful not to go too overboard with this—they might think that you're making fun of them. Just keep it natural.

[Edit]Offer your support.

1. Encourage an insecure person to help build their confidence. Sometimes, an insecure person will feel better just knowing that someone else is in their corner. If they're overly critical of themselves, being reminded of the things they're great at will help them overcome their insecurity.^[5]
   
   • For example, if your coworker feels insecure about giving a presentation, you might say, "You have the best slides, though—they're so creative. You're going to nail this!"
   • When you acknowledge the things they do well, they'll recognize that someone does see and appreciate them.

[Edit]Ask for their help.

1. Involve them in a situation where they can make a positive contribution. If the insecure person is really good at something that you have a hard time with, ask them to help you out. They'll recognize that there are some things that they're better at than others and that their strengths are appreciated.^[6]
   
   • For example, if you have a shy coworker who seldom speaks up but is a great writer, you might ask them to look over a report you've written and give you some tips on how to make it better.
   • Thank them for helping you out and let them know how grateful you are that they were there. It will help them feel more needed and valued. For example, you might say, "Thanks so much for helping me understand that math problem."

[Edit]Compliment their work and effort.

1. Acknowledge when they've done something well. Compliments go a long way with an insecure person, especially if they're specific and relate to something the person has done—not the way they look. Applaud their effort even if they fell short and they'll understand that you're not judging them for failures.^[7]
   
   • Someone who's insecure is likely to be dismissive of a compliment, but that doesn't mean your words didn't land. Acknowledge that they aren't perfect, but let them know that they don't have to be.
   • For example, you might say, "I understand you don't think you're very organized, but your calendar looks great! I can always tell with just a glance when you're going to be out of the office."
   • If they try something and fall short, you might say, "Hey, great hustle in the game last night. I was so impressed that you didn't give up after you missed that shot."

[Edit]Spend quality time with the person.

1. Have positive experiences together to ease their anxiety. This is especially important in close friendships and romantic relationships. An insecure person is often anxious about your feelings for them and might believe that you don't really like them or that they're a burden to you. But when you have good times together, they'll focus on that rather than on their anxiety.^[8]
   
   • When you're hanging out with them, make sure that you're giving them your undivided attention. Put your phone away and focus solely on whatever the two of you are doing together.
   • If you live together, create little rituals that allow you to carve out small moments of quality time throughout the day. For example, you might make breakfast together every morning.

[Edit]Establish clear boundaries.

1. Tell the person clearly what is and isn't acceptable for you. People who struggle with insecurity may need constant reassurance and support, which you can't always provide. They might be clingy or demand too much of your time and attention. If you set clear boundaries, you won't feel as overwhelmed or frustrated by them.^[9]
   
   • For example, you might be in a romantic relationship with someone who's insecure and constantly texts you to find out where you are and what you're doing. Decide how often you'll text them and let them know that you're not going to give them updates every second.
   • If you have an insecure friend, relative, or coworker who needs constant attention, you might say, "I want to be available for you, but I have to work right now. Why don't we have lunch together?"

[Edit]Keep your words and actions consistent.

1. Build trust with them by showing that you're reliable and consistent. When your words don't match your actions, it's going to be really hard for people to trust you—especially someone who's insecure. When what you say is out of context with what you're doing, on the other hand, they won't know what to believe.^[10]
   
   • For example, if you tell the person that you need to get some work done but then you continue to sit and play a game on your phone, they're going to feel like you weren't being honest with them.

[Edit]Encourage them to use self-soothing techniques.

1. Teach them breathing exercises to calm anxiety. Insecure people often get anxious easily, and that anxiety can really take its toll on their well-being. Show them a breathing exercise they can do to help ease their nerves.^[11]
   
   • Simply putting your hand on your heart and breathing deeply can help cope with anxiety.
   • Try the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise as well. Tell the person to acknowledge 5 things they see around them, then 4 things they can touch, then 3 things they can hear, then 2 things they can smell, then 1 thing they can taste.^[12]

[Edit]Redirect their negative outlook.

1. Focus on the positives to reframe an insecure person's outlook. Insecure people tend to be hyper-critical and negative about themselves. If you can help them see themselves in a more positive light, they'll start to see that the good parts outshine the bad parts.^[13]
   
   • For example, you might say to an insecure friend, "I can tell you've been in tough relationships before, but it seems like you've learned a lot. You'll be a really great partner to someone because of all that you've been through."
   • Encourage them to try new things, volunteer, or join a group of people that share their interests. If they find a place where they feel like they belong, they'll start to think more positively about themselves.

[Edit]Protect yourself from hurtful interactions.

1. Stand up for yourself if they're taking their frustrations out on you. Sometimes, insecure people can say things that come across as rude or mean. If they perceive themselves as inferior, they're looking for ways to knock others down so they can feel better about themselves. Don't let them get under your skin! Instead, try to understand what they're really dealing with.^[14]
   
   • For example, if your boss berates you for making too many mistakes, you might say, "It's true that I mess up every once in a while, but I try my hardest. Are you frustrated about something?"

[Edit]Give yourself breaks from the person.

1. Practice self-care and allow yourself time to recharge. Insecure people can be emotionally draining, especially if they're acting jealous or emotionally demanding. Keep them at arm's length whenever possible and ask for time and space to yourself when you can.^[15]
   
   • For example, if you have an insecure coworker, you might avoid interacting with them at all unless it's necessary for a work project.
   • This can be a little more difficult if the insecure person you're dealing with is your romantic partner. Remember that you're entitled to have your own space and your own interests—you don't have to be around them all the time.

[Edit]Bring up trust issues with a jealous partner.

1. Ask an insecure partner why they don't trust you. Jealousy is frequently rooted in insecurity. Have a thoughtful conversation with your partner about their feelings and ask them what you can do to show them that you're honest, open, and loyal to them. Take their suggestions to heart to prove that the relationship is important to you.^[16]
   
   • For example, you might say, "I feel like you don't trust me around your friends. I want you to know that you're the one I care about and I'd never do anything with any of them."

[Edit]Help the person get professional support.

1. Put them in touch with a counselor or therapist if necessary. Because insecure people often have trust issues, they might have a pretty limited support system. This can make it hard for them to overcome their insecurity when they don't have anyone they feel comfortable talking to. Check your resources through your school, job, or local community and give them some names and numbers they can call.^[17]
   
   • Remind the person that counselors and therapists are professionals who don't pass judgment and are only there to help. They're safe people to talk to.
   • If you're increasingly worried about the person, reach out to a trusted friend or family member for advice. They'll help you figure out what to do.

[Edit]Video

[Edit]Tips

• The more time you're able to spend one-on-one with the person, the better chance you'll have of finding out what's causing their insecurity and helping them feel more comfortable around you.

[Edit]References

[Edit]Quick Summary

1. ↑ https://www.montana.edu/oha/blog/mind_blogs/how-to-help-friend-struggling-with-body-image.html
2. ↑ https://www.montana.edu/oha/blog/mind_blogs/how-to-help-friend-struggling-with-body-image.html
3. ↑ https://caps.umich.edu/content/helping-someone-self-esteem
4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/body-language
5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201512/the-3-most-common-causes-insecurity-and-how-beat-them
6. ↑ https://caps.umich.edu/content/helping-someone-self-esteem
7. ↑ https://caps.umich.edu/content/helping-someone-self-esteem
8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/202012/4-ways-overcome-insecurity-in-romantic-relationships
9. ↑ [v161037_b01]. 13 December 2018.
10. ↑ https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-023-32034-4
11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empaths-survival-guide/201810/self-soothing-strategies-8-ways-to-calm-anxiety-and-stress
12. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/behavioral-health-partners/bhp-blog/april-2018/5-4-3-2-1-coping-technique-for-anxiety.aspx
13. ↑ https://www.montana.edu/oha/blog/mind_blogs/how-to-help-friend-struggling-with-body-image.html
14. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201711/7-ways-insecure-people-try-seem-important
15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/working-with-difficult-people/202202/how-to-handle-a-jealous-coworker
16. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-deal-with-jealousy/
17. ↑ https://www.montana.edu/oha/blog/mind_blogs/how-to-help-friend-struggling-with-body-image.html