How to Once a Cheater Always a Cheater

Discover the motivations behind infidelity and signs a cheater may cheat again

We’ve all heard the saying “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” But does it ring true? Just because someone cheats once, does it mean they will cheat again? Turns out, it’s not quite that simple (is anything, ever?). There are a lot of factors that go into why somebody might have an affair, making the statement “Once a cheater, always a cheater” less black and white than it may seem. If you want to learn more, keep reading. We’ve got the downlow on infidelity: why it happens, signs someone might cheat again, and whether the phrase "Once a cheater, always a cheater" has any truth to it.

[Edit]Things You Should Know

• “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is not always true. A person who has cheated may never cheat again, or they may cheat many times.
• Someone who has cheated in the past is statistically more likely to cheat in the future than someone who hasn’t, but this doesn’t guarantee a repeat offender.
• People cheat for all sorts of reasons: low self-esteem, relationship dissatisfaction, or just for the thrill. None of these are excuses for betrayal.
• Keep an eye out for red flags that someone may cheat again, including insincere apologies, continual lying (even tiny lies!), and belittling past infidelity.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]True or false?

1. “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is not necessarily true. There are a lot of reasons someone might have an affair—and there are lots of reasons they might have an affair more than once. People cheat in relationships that are troubled, but they also cheat in relationships that are going well! Whether infidelity is a one-time occurrence or will happen again in the future is impossible to know for certain.^[1]
   
   • None of the reasons for an affair excuse the betrayal. Everyone is responsible for their own actions—and that’s good news. That means that no cheater is “doomed” to cheat again just because they cheated in the past. Change is always possible!
   • Infidelity may look different to different couples, but essentially, cheating constitutes romantic or sexual activity with another person that your partner doesn’t consent to.
   • Because cheating can look different to different people, all couples should make sure early in their relationship that they’re on the same page regarding what “infidelity” is. Is it flirting? Emotional intimacy? Intercourse? Your mileage may vary (and so may your partner’s).
2. People who have cheated are 3 times more likely to cheat again. While cheating once doesn’t guarantee future infidelity, studies indicate people who have cheated once are more likely to cheat in the future than someone who has never cheated.^[2]
   
   • Similarly, folks who have been cheated on in one relationship are twice as likely to be cheated on in a future relationship, while folks who merely suspect infidelity in one relationship are 4 times as likely to expect infidelity in a future relationship. (In short, relationships are complicated!)

[Edit]Why People Cheat

1. Some people cheat due to low self-esteem. The truth is that while most affairs involve sex (or some sort of physical intimacy, like kissing), the motivation behind engaging in an affair is rarely about sex at all. Some unfaithful people cheat on their partners because they don’t feel good about themselves and believe an affair will either boost their self-esteem or offer a distraction from their life.^[3]
   
   • When your partner cheats, it's typically because they're missing something, and it's not really about you. Your partner is just struggling to explain what they need.^[4]
   • Some participants in affairs may even feel intimidated by their partner, with a fair number of cheaters statistically cheating with people who they find less attractive or desirable than their partners.^[5]
2. Infidelity may happen as a result of lack of intimacy or love. If a partner feels neglected in a relationship or as if the love has died, they may try to fulfill a need for intimacy by having an affair. The affair may also serve as “revenge” against a neglectful partner.^[6]
   
   • Of course, feeling neglected by a partner is no excuse for cheating, and infidelity is always the fault of the cheating partner. The right thing to do when you’re dissatisfied in a relationship is to communicate with your significant other.
3. Cheating can occur situationally. If a person is drunk, overwhelmed, caught up in “the heat of the moment, or otherwise not in their usual state of mind, they may be more susceptible to cheating if the opportunity arises. In these sorts of situations, the infidelity is likely to be short-lived.^[7]
   
   • Getting drunk or “caught up in the moment” is, of course, no excuse for betraying your partner. While situational influences may make it easier to cheat, everyone is ultimately responsible for their own actions.
4. Some people are serial cheaters. Some folks just cheat because…they like to cheat. Serial cheaters may suffer from narcissism that makes them gravitate toward relationships for validation, or they may be turned on by lying. Or both.^[8]
   
   • Of course, if a couple agrees to an open relationship, this doesn’t constitute cheating.
   • Some repeat offenders may be sex addicts. But this isn’t an excuse for infidelity, either. If someone can’t keep themselves from cheating, it is their responsibility to seek help.

[Edit]Signs Someone Might Cheat Again

1. If they don’t seem sorry for cheating, it may be a sign they’ll do it again. Whether your partner cheated in a previous relationship or in your current relationship, if they seem remorseful for their betrayal, it is possible they won’t have another affair. But if they don’t seem sorry or ashamed of their infidelity, it could be a sign they wouldn't feel that bad about doing it again.^[9]
   
   • You can tell if an apology is sincere if the other person focuses on their behavior, rather than your response (i.e., “I’m sorry I lied” rather than “I’m sorry you got upset that I lied”).^[10]
   • Someone who is sincerely remorseful will also not get defensive when they apologize. (For instance, if someone cheats because they feel neglected by their partner, an insincere apology might go something like, “I’m sorry I cheated, but you caused it.”)
   • Real remorse also includes attempts to repair the situation. Repair after infidelity might involve repeated checking in with the hurt partner after the fact (after all, an apology alone rarely makes up for a wrong) and actions to grow or move beyond the hurt, such as couples counseling.
2. Someone who continues to lie to you is likely to be a repeat offender. When someone who has committed infidelity wants to work things out and repair their relationship, they’ll be totally truthful about what happened. But if your partner tells you they only cheated once, but in fact, they cheated multiple times, or that they’ll never see the other person after this, but they end up seeing the person again (even platonically), take this as a major red flag. This person may try to pull the wool over your eyes again.^[11]
   
   • The only thing that can repair dishonesty is lots (and lots and lots) of honesty, slowly over a period of time, to rebuild the trust that was broken. Even small lies (including lies by omission) after a major betrayal can sow further mistrust.
   • If your partner is secretive about their phone or internet use, they could be hiding something. You can tell if your partner is hiding something on their phone if they are private about it, change their passwords, or text at odd times, like at night.
3. If they refuse to stop seeing the other person, it's a red flag. Sometimes, people cheat with coworkers or friends, and they may not want to give up the relationships they had with those people prior to their infidelity. If the offended partner asks that the cheating partner stop seeing the person they had an affair with, and the cheating partner refuses, this is a firetruck-red flag.^[12]
   
   • It isn't essential that a cheater give up relationships with affair partners they knew before the affair, but it's a very common and understandable request on the part of the hurt partner, one the unfaithful partner should attempt to accommodate if they are truly remorseful.
4. If someone cheats over and over again, they probably won’t stop. Again, “once a cheater, always a cheater” is not always true, but if your partner cheats multiple times, it could be a sign it’s time to end the relationship. As another popular saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”^[13]
   
   • Even if someone does cheat multiple times, it’s never the fault of the wounded party for “letting it happen.” But if your partner won’t stop cheating, it may be time to reevaluate your commitment to one another.

[Edit]Tips

• Pay attention to your partner's actions. They should be reliable and honest so that you can trust them.^[14]

[Edit]References

1. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28785917/
2. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28785917/
3. ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-do-people-in-relationships-cheat/
4. ↑ [v161440_b02]. 11 June 2020.
5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex-addiction/2014/12/can-serial-cheaters-change#1
6. ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-do-people-in-relationships-cheat/
7. ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-do-people-in-relationships-cheat/
8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex-addiction/2014/12/can-serial-cheaters-change#1
9. ↑ https://www.baltimoretherapycenter.com/once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater-true-or-false/
10. ↑ https://brenebrown.com/podcast/harriet-lerner-and-brene-im-sorry-how-to-apologize-why-it-matters-part-1-of-2/
11. ↑ https://www.baltimoretherapycenter.com/once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater-true-or-false/
12. ↑ https://www.baltimoretherapycenter.com/once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater-true-or-false/
13. ↑ https://www.baltimoretherapycenter.com/once-a-cheater-always-a-cheater-true-or-false/
14. ↑ [v161440_b02]. 11 June 2020.