How to Teach Confidence

While it might seem like some people are just born confident, confidence is largely an acquired skill. It’s something you can model and teach other people, especially children. This is important for parents, teachers, and coaches as they guide children into adulthood. Start by building up their self-esteem, independent thought, and positive self-talk. Show them how to set and achieve goals, and how to deal with failure when it happens. With lessons like these, you can teach the people around you to become more confident.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Building Up Self-Esteem

1. Model confident behavior for people. If you’re trying to improve someone’s confidence, be a model for how they should act in a confident way. Act confident around them and in all your interpersonal interactions. If the person sees that you live the lessons you’re trying to teach, then they’re more likely to try them in their own life.^[1]
   
   • Show them confident interpersonal relations like eye contact, handshakes, and making small talk. This lets them practice in a safe environment.
   • If you do make mistakes or fail at something, let it roll off your back. Show the people around you that failure is fine and you can persevere.
2. Praise small accomplishments to raise a person’s self-worth. If you’re trying to build someone’s confidence, start small. Each accomplishment they complete is a cause for celebration, even if it seems small. Be happy for your friends, kids, or students. Over time, your positive energy will teach them to celebrate their own accomplishments.^[2]
   
   • For example, if your daughter only hits a single during a softball game, congratulate her as much as if she hit a home run. That’s still an accomplishment worth praising, and gradually her confidence will improve.
   • This works for school settings. If your student is feeling down about getting a B a test, remind them that they got a C+ on the last test. This means they’re improving and are on the right track.
   • Remember to keep your praise genuine. Don’t lie or over-exaggerate, or the person might see that you’re not serious.
3. Give specific compliments so people know what they did well. A specific compliment is better than a simple “You did well.” Instead, tell the person exactly what they did well so they know where they’re strong. This makes your compliments more genuine and boosts the person’s self-esteem more by showing them their strengths.^[3]
   
   • If you’re happy with student's paper, for example, don’t just say the report is good. Tell them it’s very thorough and well-written.
   • You can still compliment someone if they failed as well. For example, if your son didn’t have the best soccer game, you could say “I’m proud that you kept going and didn’t give up.” This turns a negative situation into something positive and teaches a lesson about always giving a good effort.
4. Start with a positive statement before correcting something. At some point, you may have to point out where someone needs to improve. This is especially important if you’re a parent, teacher, or coach. If you do have to make criticisms or corrections, always start by saying something positive first. This raises the person’s spirits and makes it easier for them to take the critical feedback that’s coming up.^[4]
   
   • If you’re correcting a student’s research paper that needs a lot of work, try and find something to compliment first. Start by saying, “You did a good job finding a lot of different sources to use." Then pivot to, “This paper would be much better if you improved the writing and developed a clearer argument.”
   • Always point out if the person has improved. If a boy you coach used to bat 0-4 in baseball games but is now batting 1-4, say, “It’s great that you’re improving! Let’s do a little more work on your swing to make it even better.”
5. Offer constructive feedback and suggestions instead of just criticisms. Whenever you do have to criticize someone, always be ready to follow that up with suggested remedies. Then, instead of feeling criticized, the person will feel like you’re really trying to help. Eventually, they’ll grow the confidence to critique their own work and fix problems on their own.^[5]
   
   • Try to preface your criticisms by saying, “You might not want to hear these critiques, but remember I’m trying to help. We can talk about how to fix these problems later on.”
   • If you don’t know what feedback to offer, try flipping the script and asking, “What do you think you can do to improve?” This shows that you’re interested in guiding the person even if you don’t have all the answers.
6. Discourage negative self-talk. Negative self-talk is when a person speaks about themselves poorly and focuses on their weaknesses. If you see your friend, child, or teammate talking about themselves like this, stop them. Tell them they’re making themselves feel worse rather than fixing the problem. Encourage them to look at the positive side of situations and see the glass half-full.^[6]
   
   • You might have to point out someone’s strengths to help them see the bright side. If your friend is mad about striking out, remind them that they got 3 hits last game.
   • Examples of negative self-talk are, “I’ll never be good at this,” “I’m just stupid,” or “Everyone is better than I am.” These are destructive attitudes that make a person feel worse without offering anything positive.
   • Remember that there’s a difference between negative talk and realistic talk. If, for example, your friend never studies and is being hard on himself for getting bad grades, say, “You’re right, you're being lazy at school. But you can fix that. Let’s work on it.” This offers constructive solutions without engaging in negative talk.

[Edit]Guiding People to Accomplish Goals

1. Set attainable goals for them. Having ambitious goals is a good thing, but setting extremely high goals doesn’t work well for building someone’s confidence. This sets them up for disappointment when they don’t meet that high goal. Instead, design a manageable goal that you know the person can reach with some extra effort. Little victories like these will build a person’s confidence over time.^[7]
   
   • If you’re a teacher, for example, it’s unrealistic to try and make a student with a D average get 99% on the next test. A much more realistic goal is 80%. This is high enough to make the student work, but low enough that it’s attainable with normal effort.
   • After a few small successes, you can start encouraging the person to tackle more difficult goals. After a few small victories, their confidence will be high enough to handle the added pressure.
   • Make sure goals are dependent on the person themselves, and not others. Don’t say, “I want you to be the best hitter on the team.” That depends on someone else not being better. Instead, say, “I want you to get a .300 batting average.” This is based on the person’s individual effort.
2. Take a step back and let others make the decisions. People can’t build confidence if you always make decisions for them. Encourage them to think independently and come to their own conclusions. This helps them develop and trust their own problem-solving abilities without needing help.^[8]
   
   • This can start simply. If you’re helping your son with his homework, don’t solve the problem for him. Ask what he thinks the answer is. Then, if he doesn’t know, walk him through the process to get the answer.
   • You can do this as a teacher as well. Guide the class to the correct answer rather than just telling them. If a student asks a question, rather than answering right away, ask the class if anyone can answer that.
   • For younger kids, you can start teaching independence with little tasks like letting them pick their clothes for the day.
3. Make suggestions rather than taking over. Even confident people need help sometimes, and you can still offer help while building their confidence. The trick is not doing all the work yourself. Observe and offer suggestions based on the person’s needs. Leave it up to them whether or not they take the advice you offer. This way, they’re working mostly independently and building their own confidence.^[9]
   
   • If your daughter asks for help with a science fair project, don’t build the entire thing for her. Work with her and let her do most of the work. If she needs help, intervene to push her in the right direction.
   • Don’t get angry if someone doesn’t take your suggestions. Remember to let them make the decisions for themselves.
4. Let people make small mistakes without correcting them. If you never let your children, students, friends, or teammates mess up now and then, it has a negative effect on their confidence. People who aren’t allowed to make mistakes have a hard time handling rejection and failure, which are normal parts of life. Don’t make decisions for people all the time to save them from failure. Let them make their own decisions and if they do fail, explain to them why they messed up and what they can do better next time.^[10]
   
   • If your daughter always leaves her homework all around the house and expects you to pack it for her, stop doing that. If she forgets to bring her homework and gets in trouble, tell her that’s what happens when she’s disorganized.
   • Of course, this doesn’t apply to serious or dangerous mistakes. If you suspect someone is about to do something that’s very negative for their life, then don’t hesitate to let them know it’s a bad idea.
5. Show the person that perfection is not the goal. Striving for perfection is an unrealistic goal because people aren’t perfect. Tell the person you’re working with that trying to be perfect will only make them stressed and anxious if they can’t reach that level. Instead, encourage them to be good enough to satisfy themselves. This builds confidence in a much more productive way than demanding perfection.^[11]
   
   • Try to avoid using the word perfect. This can give someone the wrong idea and think that you’re telling them to be perfect.
   • If someone is having a hard time accepting that they can’t be perfect, try showing them some videos of professional musicians, sports stars, or athletes making mistakes. Tell them that these people still mess up after working for years and still aren’t perfect, so they shouldn’t expect to be.
6. Encourage the person to step outside of their comfort zone. Staying in your comfort zone doesn’t build confidence. People have to do things that they aren’t used to in order to build their confidence. Encourage the person to try new hobbies, go new places, try new foods, listen to new music, and overall break their everyday routine. As the person gets more comfortable trying new things, their confidence for handling different situations will rise.^[12]
   
   • If your friend has confidence problems, try encouraging them to join you at the gym or doing another hobby they aren’t used to. It may take some persistence, but trying new activities gradually gets people out of their comfort zones.
   • A simple way to step out of your comfort zone is making a commitment to order something new every time you go to a restaurant. This is low-risk, makes you try new things, and potentially introduces you to some great food.

[Edit]References

1. ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/development/social-emotional-development/confidence-in-teens
2. ↑ https://www.teachhub.com/teaching-strategies-help-build-self-confidence
3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201506/12-ways-raise-competent-confident-child-grit
4. ↑ https://www.teachhub.com/teaching-strategies-help-build-self-confidence
5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201506/12-ways-raise-competent-confident-child-grit
6. ↑ https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/fear/secrets-of-confident-kids/
7. ↑ https://www.teachhub.com/teaching-strategies-help-build-self-confidence
8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201506/12-ways-raise-competent-confident-child-grit
9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201506/12-ways-raise-competent-confident-child-grit
10. ↑ https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/fear/secrets-of-confident-kids/
11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201506/12-ways-raise-competent-confident-child-grit
12. ↑ https://www.inc.com/minda-zetlin/13-easy-ways-to-boost-your-confidence.html