How to Deal with Friendship Problems at School

At some point in your school life, you will have to deal with numerous friendship problems and obstacles. Your friends may have gotten into a big argument, or your friend may suddenly start acting differently with no reason, which may cause drama in your friend group. Every friend group has personal reasons on why they argue, but there are a few ways on how to solve general disagreements in friend groups at school.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Understanding Your Friends

1. Know that in elementary and middle school, some of your friends may be less mature than you. Especially if you're one of the oldest kids in your grade level, there will be a lot of kids younger, and hence, less mature than you. They may do things that annoy or provoke you easily, as they haven't really gotten the skill of handling their own emotions yet. ^[1] So, when your friend starts to provoke you, take a deep breath, and handle the incident in a mature manner. This may teach them to be more mature. Plus, two immature people arguing won't solve the main issue.
   
   • For example, your friend may tattletale every time a small incident happens because they don't know how to solve the problem. Your friend may blame others for their own issues because they are insecure or have an inflated ego. Your friend may cling to you frequently for safety or security for fear of being alone.
2. Understand that people with certain personality types act in certain ways that you may not understand. If your personality is different than that of your friend's, you may not understand some of the viewpoints that they hold. Understand and research your friend's personality to get where they're coming from and what traits they have. This way, you can easily deal with conflicts by knowing their strengths and weaknesses.^[2]
   
   • For example, people who have the Aquarius zodiac sign might be known for being rebellious and sometimes stubborn. ^[3] Your Gemini friend may not pay attention to you sometimes because of their zodiac sign. ^[4] Although these astrological sign descriptions will never 100% match someone, they can still have some influence. Some ESFJs may be particularly bossy. ^[5]
3. Know that other factors may contribute to your friends' arguments. Other factors, such as familial factors and school factors, may make your friend more prone to outbursts. Stress, anxiety, anger, and sadness can all make your friend especially sensitive, which leads to more arguments over little things.
   
   • Your friend may be unhappy with school because of missing assignments, falling behind in a class, bullying, gossip, or failed tests.
   • Your friend may also be going through a difficult time in their family. Arguments between family members, deaths in the family, illness spreading in the family, and other family issues can make your friend annoyed and stressed over every little thing, such as getting one problem incorrect on homework.

[Edit]Trying to Solve the Problem

1. Calm down. Yelling, screaming, crying, and blaming each other will make the situation way worse than what you intended. A simple argument over a missing pencil could've escalated until a teacher or other authority figure had to interfere in the incident. Don't say anything that you don't actually mean later on. If your friends start accusing each other, stop yourself from blaming your friends and doing other actions that will fuel the flame.
   
   • If you guys are arguing during break or lunch, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and calm down.
   • If you guys were arguing during class (e.g. during a group discussion or a lecture), try to keep quiet and lessen everyone's anger. Don't provoke your friends or do anything passive-aggressive during this time. If you guys suddenly start yelling or doing other actions in class, you are likely to disrupt all of the other classmates.
   • If some of your friends are immature, set an example for them by not acting immature like them. If they distract and annoy you during class, ignore them and pay attention to what's happening in class. If they have frequent outbursts, control your own emotions and handle the situation in a calm manner.
2. Find a good place and time to discuss and settle the argument. You and your friends should plan out where and when to settle the argument carefully. Don't argue or talk about it in a public place where other classmates can talk and gossip about it, such as in a quiet auditorium or a classroom. Find a private place to discuss solutions to the conflict, such as near a bathroom, a secluded area of the field or playground, or the furthest benches during lunch.
   
   • Recess and break may be too short to fully get your thoughts out (as it may only be 15 minutes or less), so wait until lunch to have a full discussion on the matter. So, lunch and afterschool times are the best times to solve the argument. Make sure that all of your friends stay after school if you are solving it at that time.
   • Make sure your friends agree to the plan, though- you don't want your friends arguing over the argument!
3. Try not to take sides if you're not directly involved in the argument. If you were not present at the time of the incident, you shouldn't say anything, as you aren't involved and technically, this isn't any of your business. If you step in and interfere with the argument, you could disrupt the course of the argument and confuse everyone or escalate it.
   
   • For example, if your friends are arguing over something that happened in class one day, but you were absent on that day, you can't really say anything about the incident. Try to stay neutral if you can.
4. Find where your friends are coming from. If you are directly involved in the quarrel, try stepping into your friends' shoes. By looking at the problem from an unbiased point of view, you'll solve the problem much easier. ^[6] If you stand firmly on one friend's side, the other friend may feel offended, and this may cause a larger rift to form in your friendship. Try to understand why your friend/s acted this way. Be open to what your friends' points of view are, as this makes you more mature.
   
   • For example, if your friend was extremely worried about tests and homework, these factors could've caused your friend to have an outburst due to a lot of stress.
5. Focus on finding a solution to the conflict instead of proving that you are right and your friend wrong. Technically, no one is right or wrong in an argument. The main reason that people argue is because of differing opinions, which are usually both valid. So, the main point isn't to prove your opponent wrong. All of you want to solve the argument, so try to offer some solutions to the conflict.
   
   • Propose on doing the first idea first, then the second idea. For example, you may suggest watching the first suggested movie, then the second suggested movie tomorrow.
   • Check if there really are multiple ways to solve a problem. If your friends are arguing over whether or not a way of solving a math problem is valid, check on the internet or talk with a teacher to see if the way is also correct.
   • Find a solution that can make the majority of people happy. For example, if your friends are quarreling about who to put on their room list for a field trip, try to satisfy everyone's wants if possible. If possible, let your music-hating friend be in separate rooms from your friend that loves blasting loud music. Then, try to put a few of your friends that get along together especially well in another room.
6. Find a mediator for the conflict. If your friends cannot work out the problem on their own, or if the conflict is escalating, it's probably best to find a mature mediator, such as a teacher, counselor, or other authority figure, to intervene. It's best for an unbiased adult to intervene, as kid mediators may not have the skills to resolve conflicts. It's best to let the people directly involved in the argument to tell someone, as an adult may think you are being nosy if you aren't related to the argument and tell. ^[7]
   
   • Register what the mediator is saying. Don't interrupt your friends, and actually process what they mean. Don't ignore or pretend that you are listening if you aren't. Try to actively listen to each of your friends and what they have to say, even if you strongly disagree with them.

[Edit]Dealing with Annoying or Toxic Friends

1. Deal with annoying classmates and friends. Oftentimes, there will be classmates that just don't "click" with you sometimes. They don't harm you or do anything bad, but they can really annoy you and get on your nerves. There may be that one person who always makes you laugh in class (which makes you get in trouble), or that one kid who constantly competes with you in everything, from assignments to tests and popularity.
   
   • Try to ignore chatty and distracting classmates. A lot of these people just want attention, so ignore them if possible.
   • Refrain from letting a know-it-all's words get to you. Most of the things a know-it-all says is either biased to them or untrue, so don't let their words get to you.
   • Stop competing with competitive people. If competitive people make you feel as if a heavy weight is dropped on you, stop competing. Competitive people often have unrealistic standards, and overworking yourself to unrealistic standards will just ruin your confidence and self-esteem.
2. Deal with toxic friends. Sometimes, you may be friends with someone for some time, but as time goes on, they may change. Other times, the person may have been toxic since the start; they were just hiding their traits. Either way, you should confront these people about their behavior and end the friendship if necessary. Here are some ways on how to deal with toxic friends.
   
   • Confront the friend. Sometimes, your friend may not know that they are toxic, as their habits are ingrained into their personality. Schedule a time to chat with your friend about their behavior.
   • Set boundaries with your friend. It's important to set boundaries with your friend to make sure your friend knows what you're okay with and what you're not okay with.
3. Stand up to bossy and controlling friends. These types of people always tell you what to do, what to write, what to say, and even what to wear, which can really affect your confidence in making decisions.
   
   • Learn how to stand up for yourself when they start controlling you again. Start making your own decisions again by waiting until your friend is done speaking, then adding your own opinion respectfully. For example, if your bossy friend wants you to sit with her, calmly state that you'd like to sit with your other friend today.
   • Try being assertive to boost your confidence and to let them know that you won't back down this time.
   • Don't give into your friend if they plead, guilt-trip you, or give you the cold shoulder.
4. Leave mean friends. Mean friends may constantly criticize everything you do, from your grades to your appearance and other friends. They may also talk behind your back and gossip about you. It's best to immediately leave these friends, as they really aren't your true friends and are fake.^[8]
   
5. Deal with the drama queens or kings. These friends always feel like life is a dramatic movie, and they constantly complain about everything to gain attention. They may also think that the world revolves around them, and only they have the most important stories to tell everyone about, which can make them self-centered.
   
   • Don't react if they start complaining about something again. If they start pouring their heart out about what happened yesterday at the mall, calmly listen to them for a couple of minutes, and then cut them off by switching the topic of the conversation.
   • Get them to see the bright side of things. If they are constantly being negative, try adding to their comments by saying something positive. If your friend complains of getting in trouble in science class, say something like, "At least we got to work together in science class today!" or something to look forward to, like lunchtime or the weekend.
6. Deal with needy friends. Needy friends usually talk to you just to request something from you. They always ask you to help them and assist them in doing something, but they don't help you in return. They may just want money, popularity, or are lazy. If the purpose of the friendship is to want things from you, then your friendship is unhealthy.
   
   • Set clear boundaries with these types of friends and limit contact with them. Tell them what your limits are and what you can and cannot tolerate clearly.^[9]
   • Avoid this person as much as possible. You could avoid sitting with them in class (if you can choose seats) and ignore their requests (such as borrowing school supplies and asking for answers to homework).
7. Deal with clingy friends. These friends stick to you like superglue; either they follow you everywhere or you are forced to follow them everywhere. ^[10] If your friend follows you everywhere, they may be afraid of being alone. If you are the one being told to follow your friend, your friend may be bossy.
   
   • Set clear boundaries with these types of friends.^[11] For example, if they follow you to the bathroom and wait for you there and you're uncomfortable with it, state that your friend can wait outside of the bathroom, but not outside of the stall. Or, if your friend insists on sitting with you in class, tell them that you wish to alternate sitting with one friend and them.
   • Get rid of your clingy friends as a last resort. If your clingy friend is refusing to change, leave your clingy friend. Avoid them if possible, and make it clear that you do not want to be friends with them anymore.

[Edit]Tips

• Lunch time is the best time to discuss long-winded topics such as solving an argument. Break/recess may be too short, and you may not be interested in sitting still and talking during break if you want to run around and release your energy during recess (especially if you're in elementary school).
• You should still stand up for yourself even if you are younger than your toxic friend. Just because your toxic friend is older than you doesn't mean that they can have control of you or is always right.

[Edit]Expert Interview

Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about making friends, check out our in-depth with [v161025_b01].

[Edit]References

1. ↑ https://www.understood.org/en/articles/child-immature
2. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 6 October 2023.
3. ↑ https://www.allure.com/story/aquarius-zodiac-sign-personality-traits#:~:text=As%20the%20eleventh%20and%20penultimate,progressive%2C%20rebellious%2C%20and%20humanitarian.
4. ↑ https://www.allure.com/story/gemini-zodiac-sign-personality-traits#:~:text=Playful%20and%20intellectually%20curious%2C%20Gemini,dinner%20parties%2C%20and%20dance%20floors.
5. ↑ https://www.16personalities.com/esfj-personality
6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201711/confronting-conflict-friends
7. ↑ https://lifehacker.com/how-to-safely-intervene-in-a-conflict-1845665998
8. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 6 October 2023.
9. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 6 October 2023.
10. ↑ https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-a-emotional-immaturity
11. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 6 October 2023.