How to Expose a Gaslighter

Confront your gaslighter with confidence and the evidence to back you up

If your partner is constantly questioning your feelings and making you doubt your reality, it might mean that they are gaslighting you. It can be hard to come to terms with their behavior, but it’s important to recognize and expose their manipulation so that you can regain control of your life. In this article, we’ll give you simple and effective strategies you can take to uncover their lying ways and stop them from gaslighting you – whether that means moving on or creating boundaries. First, make sure that you’re being gaslit and gather solid proof. We’ll then tell you how to gain back confidence in your life and how to confront your gaslighter.

[Edit]Things You Should Know

• Make sure you’re being gaslit. A gaslighter makes you question your feelings and reality, doubt your self-worth, and denies and deflects their own behavior.
• Record conversations, save screenshots, and take photos to prove that you’re being gaslit.
• Get support from friends or a therapist to expose your gaslighter with confidence.
• Confront your gaslighter calmly and distance yourself if they don’t change their behavior.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Signs You’re Being Gaslit

1. A gaslighter makes you question your feelings. One of the most common tactics a gaslighter uses is minimizing or denying your emotions. If your partner is coming home late every night, you might communicate to them that it makes you feel insecure. Instead of validating your feelings, a gaslighter will tell you that their behavior has nothing to do with you and that you’re being irrational.^[1]
   
2. If your partner denies your version of events, you’re being gaslit. Gaslighters will lie to you and make you feel confused and doubt your own memories. You might know that your partner flaked on you without an explanation, but they will tell you that your plans were for a different day or that you didn’t actually make any plans at all.^[2]
   
   • As your partner continues to question your memories, you might feel like your perceptions are warped, or even like you’re going crazy.
3. When you’re being gaslit, you doubt your self-worth. A gaslighter will manipulate you by demeaning you. They might make subtle digs about your intelligence or competence so that they can control aspects of your life and make you rely on them.^[3]
   
   • For example, your partner might be spending a lot of money, which worries you. When you confront them, they will belittle you and tell you that you’re bad with money. They might project their bad habits onto you and tell you you’re the one with a spending problem.
4. A gaslighter deflects in every conversation you have with them. Instead of having an open discussion about their behavior, your partner will derail the conversation and make it about you. They might twist the facts to support themselves and call you the liar. The confrontation becomes an attack on you and your perceptions.^[4]
   

[Edit]Gather Evidence of Their Behavior

1. Take notes about your conversations and interactions. It’s important to prove to yourself that you are being gaslighted. After a conversation where your partner lied and manipulated you, write down the date it happened, what they said, and what the facts are. This will help you feel sane and confident in your memories.^[5]
   
   • Try to write down as much dialogue as you can remember. You want an objective account of the manipulations your partner uses on you so that you can identify a pattern of behavior.
2. Save screenshots of your text conversations. Compile solid proof that your partner lies about the things they say. Your screenshots can also show that they constantly question your sanity and judgment. When you are feeling unsure about what to believe, you can look back at these receipts to relieve any doubt you feel.^[6]
   
   • Be sure to screenshot other online interactions, such as financial transactions or social media activity.
3. Take photos to timestamp and record events. Photos can help you prove that your partner is lying about situations taking place and help you remember the context surrounding them. For example, if your partner is coming home late every night and denies it, take a stealthy photo when they come home.^[7]
   

[Edit]Seek Out Support

1. Confide in a trusted friend or family member. It’s important to reach out to your support system and have someone listen to your experiences and comfort you. Your friends and family’s love, support, and encouragement can help you build back your self-esteem.^[8]
   
2. Talk to a therapist. Gaslighting can take a toll on your mental health, so it’s important to seek out a professional if you are feeling anxious, depressed, or helpless. A professional can give you a safe space to open up about your feelings and provide you with tips and strategies to cope with being gaslit.^[9]
   
3. Call the The National Domestic Violence Hotline if you feel unsafe. It can be difficult to come to terms with your gaslighter’s behavior, but it’s important to recognize that gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. If your partner’s behavior is escalating and you feel scared, call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233) for help and support.^[10]
   
   • Most importantly, know that your partner’s behavior is not your fault. You do not deserve to be treated the way they’ve been treating you.

[Edit]Confront Your Gaslighter

1. Have confidence in yourself. While this is easier said than done, you now know that you’re being gaslit, have the evidence to back it up, and are surrounded with support. Stand tall and go into the conversation assured and firm in your feelings and beliefs.^[11]
   
   • If you need an extra boost of confidence, ask a friend to come with you. They can help you feel empowered and supported during your conversation.
2. Be firm and emotionless in your conversation. When you explain how your gaslighters actions make you feel, remain calm and civil. If your gaslighter manipulates your version of events, don’t fight them. Simply acknowledge what they said and move on. Your gaslighter will try to get a reaction from you and turn the conversation if you lose your composure.^[12]
   
   • It can be hard to remain calm when dealing with a gaslighter, so it’s completely understandable if you find yourself losing your cool. If you are feeling anxious or emotional during the conversation, simply leave the room.
3. Set boundaries with your gaslighter. If you’re not ready to leave your gaslighter or want to give them a chance to change their behavior, let them know there are lines they cannot cross. Make it clear that you deserve basic respect and for your feelings to be heard.^[13]
   
   • While difficult, it’s important to stay firm with your boundaries because they are there to protect you. Let your gaslighter know that if they can’t honor your boundaries, you will leave.
4. Distance yourself from them. Gaslighters are unlikely to change their behavior because they use their manipulations to control you. Instead of waiting for them to change, take care of yourself and move on from the relationship.^[14]
   
   • Don’t feel embarrassed for falling victim to a gaslighter. Gaslighting is a situation that anyone can find themselves in. Make sure to treat yourself with kindness and grace.

[Edit]Expert Interview

Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about gaslighting, check out our in-depth with [v161660_b01].

[Edit]References

1. ↑ [v161660_b01]. 5 February, 2021.
2. ↑ [v161848_b01]. 16 July 2021.
3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/202106/5-go-tactics-gaslighters-and-how-resist-them
4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/202106/5-go-tactics-gaslighters-and-how-resist-them
5. ↑ https://www.vox.com/first-person/2018/12/19/18140830/gaslighting-relationships-politics-explained
6. ↑ https://liveboldandbloom.com/04/emotional-abuse/gaslighter-messing-you#11-10-gather-proof
7. ↑ https://liveboldandbloom.com/04/emotional-abuse/gaslighter-messing-you#11-10-gather-proof
8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-identify-and-deal-with-gaslighting
9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-identify-and-deal-with-gaslighting
10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201904/when-is-relationship-bad-enough-leaving-gaslighter
11. ↑ [v161660_b01]. 5 February, 2021.
12. ↑ https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2018/03/gaslighting-abuse-examples-and-how-to-respond
13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201904/when-is-relationship-bad-enough-leaving-gaslighter
14. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-identify-and-deal-with-gaslighting